Wow...long time, no see, dear blog...I guess, when I was sick, I felt like blogging was more of a tool than an outlet. When I was sick, I didn't feel the least bit chatty or bloggy...When I was blessed with feeling good, I didn't feel the least bit like sitting still!! Therefore, I used blogging as an update tool to keep family and friends informed, at their leisure. Hence the reason my posts were few and far between...once I finished chemo, I took off like a rocket, and left my blogging "tool" in the corner of the Internet somewhere.
Contrary to how it might seem, I actually do like writing and I do like recording my thoughts. I always keep a journal and I nearly always have something to say. Therefore, I've decided to take up this blogging idea, once again, this time by choice rather than necessity.
All of that said, I need to write a little catch-up with where I am right now. As I said, after completing chemo, I zoomed off into the world, off of my couch and back on my feet! It took a while to re-build my stamina, but before I knew it, I was back in school and back involved. I quickly resumed the hectic life of a senior in engineering school, accompanied by extra work, due to my one-year absence. One semester down, Christmas break, and I was back at it again!
I started feeling really tired a few weeks into the spring semester. After trying to ignore the nagging fatigue (and to pacify the concern of my mother), I went to see my doctor. He ran some tests, being extra-thorough, due to my past, and discovered that I had mono, once again. JOY. The source of this mono, as I've already had it before, was assumed to be my run-down immune system, as I took on the world after being set free. You'd think a girl would learn...Anyway, my oncologist ordered some other tests, and those results suggested that it might not actually be mono but a similar virus that caused the mono spot to turn positive. "A rose by any other name, would smell as..." stinky!! Bottom line, I didn't care what it was called; I just knew how it made me feel. So, at the council of my doctor, I dropped out of everything extra-curricular (and I do mean everything), and focused on school and sleep.
About a month into this icky sickiness, I still don't feel any better. Actually, I now feel a tad worse, as I am constantly light-headed and accompanied by annoying headaches. As a matter of fact, I've been getting really frustrated lately with my immune system. Is it too much to ask to be a normal 22-year-old with a normal amount of energy?? Maybe a cold or a sinus infection every now and then, but coooooooooooome oooooooooon...
This morning, during my quiet time, my Precious Lord had something to say about my frustrations, and I want to share what I learned (and am still learning) with you.
I've been reading in Psalms lately, so I picked up where I had left off. Recently, the verses have been about protection and taking grievances to God. This morning, the two verses (26 and 27) dealt with help and hope from God. In the Psalms, David often cries out to God in frustration and anguish in response to his circumstances, and God hears him. David also refocuses, and acknowledges God as the center of his hope and JOY. Okay, God...I'm with you...You = JOY...got it.
Well, He must have wanted the message to sink in a little deeper. For "some reason", I decided to find a book to read in the New Testament this morning. My hands "somehow" found Philippians, and I read the first verse, in which Paul writes that his JOY comes from the Lord, no matter the circumstances. There is a big difference between happiness and JOY: happiness is based on happenings, whereas JOY is based on Christ. How does this apply? While I am certainly not happy with my present icky-sicky state, my JOY is based on more than my surroundings!
If there's one thing that I can say, without a doubt, about myself, it's that I trust my God completely with the happenings of my life. I know He is working everything for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes, however, I get a little frustrated with the way in which He chooses to work, the most recent being my continual icky-sickiness. (Let me interject that I realize mono doesn't even compare with cancer. My frustrations lie in the fact that I just want to feel good again, for good!) What He taught me this morning is that I don't have to be happy with my circumstances, as happiness is based on happenings. I can, however, have JOY wherever I am, because my JOY is based on Christ, and Christ alone.
As if this post isn't long enough already, the coolness of God continues...I've been thinking a lot, lately, about my future husband and on the attributes I desire from my future life-partner as a Christian woman. Yesterday, God shifted my focus from what I want to what he (future husband) and He (God) want. What qualities do I need to let God hone in me, on my road to becoming a better godly woman? I believe the first quality God wants to work on is my JOY, reminding me of the source of that JOY and teaching me how to experience JOY in all things, based on an eternal focus.
So, here's a question to all of my fellow-single sisters in Christ out there. Where does your fulfillment come from? If you think you will finally find fulfillment and JOY within the confines of marriage (the "June Cleaver Syndrom"), you have been very deceived. No man, no matter how wonderful and Christ-centered, will ever be able to fulfill all of your heart's desires; nor will you, as a Christian woman, ever be able to meet all the needs of your husband's heart. Find your true JOY in the only One who can ever give you complete fulfillment--Jesus Christ.
"I have told you this so that My JOY may be in you and that your JOY may be complete." -John 15:11 (emphasis added)
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